What about Me, God?

When I'm hurting, I like to write. So, this evening I write.

James 2:8..."If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” you are doing right."

You know, to be honest, I've always had a problem with this scripture. Just what if you don't love yourself? What then? Are you capable of loving your neighbor at all?

I would have been fine if it just said, "Love your neighbor." But adding that last little phrase, "as yourself" totally screwed it up for me.

What if you've let your screw-ups, mistakes and failures...all of those bad "things" from your past define your sense of self-worth? What if you simply hate who you are? What if you hate the things for which you stand for? What if I simply don't love myself?

Jeremiah 17:9 says it all...The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

I think that scripture is implying if we are apart from God, not seeking God at all, that our hearts can greatly lie to us. As mine does when I have self-worth issues.

This type of love, to "love your neighbor as yourself," is simply not within me as a person cuz I don't feel loved. I am not capable of loving another person cuz I don't feel worthy of love. I am NOT a loveable person.

A person who is not raised in love finds it very, very difficult to love. It's as simple as that.

A person who does not feel loved finds it painful to love. Or else builds their love on great insecurities.

We have been instructed and beaten over the head by churches to love one another, to be forgiving of one another, to help one another...that is the Christ like behavior that is expected of us as Christians.

But in doing so, the churches left out the most vital and important step before ALL that.

Because you see, I cannot love to that degree by myself. But with God, I can do that. But how can I love with God's love?

Everybody is telling me to love without telling me that I AM LOVED. You know, that's very much like trying to write a check without sufficient funds to back it up.

With insufficient love, I CANNOT love the way Christ loved his neighbors.

I have to figure it out on my own that God loves me for simply who I am. The whole Bible is not about how we are supposed to love God, it's ALL about how MUCH God loves us.

1 John 4:9...God showed how much He loved us by sending His only Son into the world...This is real love.

Psalm 103:11...As high as the sky is above the earth, so great is His love for those who respect Him.

Romans 8:39...Nothing...in the whole world will ever be able to separate us from the love of God.

John 3:16...For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son.

Jeremiah 31:9...God speaking, "I have loved you with an everlasting love. I have drawn you with unfailing love."

And it is scripture after scripture of God telling me how very, VERY, VERY much He loves me.

And until I get that little nugget of information deeply built into my heart, I'm not gonna be able to do all the things that God wants me to do, like love my neighbor as myself.

I am afflicted with the "what about me" syndrome. I give, give, give all the time. I give my time to my family, I give my time to my friends, I give gifts to people, I give a listening ear to hurting friends, I try to make other women feel very important about themselves. Many times, after it's all done, I'm exhausted and lay on my bed and feel deep inside the complaint rising, "What about me?"

I've spent many a dark night sitting in the recliner in our living room, mulling over the thought, "What about me?"

I always say that I give without expecting anything back, and for the most part, that is correct.  But you know, the Holy Spirit just dealt with me about this. I realized that I give a LOT to people so that I won't feel bad when I have a need and have to ask for help in some way, shape or form. It's kinda like me building up an investment in people. I absolutely hate asking for help from people, so to lessen that guilt from asking, I give of my time and effort way before I have a need. Because, to be honest, being a mother of 4 boys, sometimes I just need outside help. So, when I do have a need, I hopefully can draw on what I've invested in the past.

Kinda goes back to my self-worth issue...I don't feel like I deserve any help just for me. I don't think anybody will give me help if I don't have time and efforts already invested in them. I don't think I'm worthy of help simply because I might need it. So, to increase my worth, I give of everything that I've got way before I ever have a need.

But in doing so, I feel exhausted all the time and I'm doing it for my own self-motives in the future rather than for God's love to be extended to my family and friends. I exhaust myself in the process.

What about me? Huh, God? What about me?

Well, let me tell you, my friend, that nagging "what about me" will stop if only I realize that I have God's love inside of me. That God's love for me is ENOUGH. To be honest, if I truly knew that, then everything else will fall into place. I won't have to invest my time in people expecting them to help me in my time of need if only I knew and trusted that God could be there in my time of need. I can truly love people and do for them as God wants me to do, not for investing for Ronda when she needs help.

And this, my friends, is what the Holy Spirit has been dealing with me about for the past week. I hope I was able to communicate it to you with the simplicity that the Holy Spirit revealed it to me.

I can do what God wants me to do only if I KNOW how much He truly loves me. All voids in my life would be fulfilled. You know, God has a way of filling all those holes in your heart with Him, if only we allow Him to do that.

Will you join me today in allowing God's love to permeate every hole in your heart?

Will you join me today in feeling God's love to the very core of your being?

Will you join me today in knowing, deeply knowing, and understanding that God loves me for simply who I am?

Will you join me today in simply accepting God's love?

Will you join me today in allowing God's love to fill our hearts with sufficient love so that we CAN love?

As so eloquently stated by Max Lucado, "The secret to loving is to live loved."

Please join me today in living loved.